"Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods."
W. H. Auden

The Story

Elmer thought it was a dream come true. A wood nymph named Cricket. The perfect wife. Attractive. Intelligent. Always wants to have sex. So he took her out of the forest and into the city to be his wife.

Only there’s a little problem. Always means always, and Elmer can’t keep up. He’s happy to teach his new wife about the ins and outs of capitalism, but he doesn’t want to have sex nine times a day, every day. There’s only so much a busy law professional can manage. She can have an allowance, but she can’t have sex.

So what’s a wood nymph to do? Take up gardening, of course, and hire a very sweet gardener to tend her bush. And learn from her husband. To the point where she’s writing the contracts herself, and making up the rules.

Pretty soon Cricket is redefining the word “agent” by pimping out a handyman named Big Thick Rod in the garage. Elmer desperately tries to control her, even as he attempts to save face with a blow-up doll he calls Renee. In desperation he begs for help from Rod’s previous employer, a banker with a confusing sexual identity and a very nice whip. Can he lure Rod back into his service? Can he stop this monster Elmer has created?

Because...it turns out wood nymphs are not immune to the lures of capitalist excess. Her love for the gardener doesn’t stop her from working him like a lab rat. And so what if Rod is working endless hours in a chicken suit servicing bus loads of foreign tourists. So what if he’s working out of an abandoned subway toilet. Cricket is confused.

Isn’t this all part of the American dream? In this new world she’s been brought to, isn’t she supposed to exploit people?

Isn’t she supposed to screw the ones she loves?

"Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods." W. H. Auden

The Story

Elmer thought it was a dream come true. A wood nymph named Cricket. The perfect wife. Attractive. Intelligent. Always wants to have sex. So he took her out of the forest and into the city to be his wife.

The Characters

"Almost all of our relationships begin and most of them continue as forms of mutual exploitation, a mental or physical barter, to be terminated when one or both parties run out of goods."
W. H. Auden